Hedging One’s Bets

Now that winter’s on its way out, one must attend to the all the horticultural wreckage it has left in its icy wake. We are approaching that narrow window of opportunity during which our gardens can be coaxed back into some semblance of fecund bounty.

Scotland doesn’t get much sun in the winter. Of what little there is, approximately none will ever grace the environs of our back garden. This is a shame, not only because we are denied the pleasure of basking in the sun’s wintry rays, but also because every drop of rain that lands in the back garden will more-or-less stay there until the sun comes back out in spring. Consequently, the back garden is a squelchy quagmire during the winter months, and an oozing green film covers everything.The slugs like it, naturally. It’s a widely-renowned hang out for the slug community. There’s plenty for them to do there. And when they’re hungry from all their sliming up the place, there’s plenty of attractive plants to devour, the blighters.


We’ve got a Leylandii hedge going all the way around our perimeter, save for a few gaps where the shed and playhouse were placed by the previous owners. We’re trying to fill the gaps with more Leylandii, but they’re not growing as fast as Neighbours From Hell would have us believe. And as for the idea that they suck up all the moisture from their surroundings, why are they sitting in puddles?

I got some tips from a chap at Homebase. If you’ve ever been to the Hermiston Gait Homebase, he’s the one who sings very loudly, and whom you might reasonably assume to be slightly barmy. He knows his stuff though. It turns out that most garden problems, much like those in real life, can be solved by covering everything in expulsions from a horse’s rear end.

‘Yes sir, yes sir’ said I, before enthusiastically purchasing three bags full.

Explore posts in the same categories: Gardening

9 Comments on “Hedging One’s Bets”

  1. Ross Says:

    There’s only so many times that a story about a hedge acts as a substitute for work. Pull your finger out, DH, and give us another instalment!

    PS – fancy watching the 3 good Alien films back-to-back some time soon?

  2. Doug Says:

    Apologies. I have been very lax of late, but intend to rectify matters as soon as possible.

    With regard to your second point, I’m confused. There were only two good alien films. Where are you getting the third from?

  3. Ross Says:

    Alien 3 (aka Alien Cubed) is a fine film and good example of Director David Fincher’s work before he went on to direct Se7en and Fight Club! Plus Charles Dance gets his head nipped off and Ralph Brown mucks about in tunnels. And the directors cut restores over 30 minutes of footage…

    Alien Resurrection is now and forever shall be awful. Alien Vs. Predator was a sorely missed opportunity.

  4. Doug Says:

    As I remember, Alien3 had most of the cast of Casualty in it. ‘Nuff said, really.

  5. Ross Says:

    Surely seeing most of the cast of Causality massacred by a bi-mouthed xenomorph would be a reason to watch alone…

    Anyway, I think you’ll find that no-one from Causality was actually in Alien Cubed.

  6. J Says:

    I beg to differ! I quick grope of IMDB shows that Clive Mantle and one other jobbing brit actor were in A3!


  7. Doug Says:

    Yes indeedy! I think it’s probably useful to have the medically-trained around when there are hostile extra-terrestrials on the rampage.

    Doesn’t make it a good film, though.

  8. Ross Says:

    Wasn’t Clive Mantle in Dad’s Army? “They don’t like it up ’em, aliens!”, “Stupid alien”, “don’t panic Mr Mainwaring, it’s an alien!” “We’re all doomed (on account of the alien)”…

  9. Doug Says:

    # ‘oo do you think you are kidding Mrs Ripley..?

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